50 Ways to Annoy, Anger, and Freak Out Voldemort
by insertappropropriatenamehere
Summary: Basically a story form of Rica666's fanfic of the same title. Now, I don't own Harry Potter, or even the plot ideas, but I do own our writing. Please R&R or I'll set Bella on you.
1. Chapter 1

2stupid: Hello. This is our newest fic.

Tensa-chan: We actually have permission from the author to do this. And since we're stuck at home with a high fever, things should be getting hot in here.

2stupid: So, more crack for all of us. After all, this is a crackfic.

Tensa-chan: Just read, already. Our hearing's going. Oh, and one last thing. This takes place just after GoF.

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Chapter 1

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1) Say, "Voldie, Voldie, where are thou Voldie?"

Lord Voldemort was not having a good day. You see, his world had recently been invaded by the malady known as the "Mary Sue." This most powerful of magical creatures, named Tensa-chan (It's me!) had decided to attach herself to him and pester out the life of him. Currently, she was trying to find him.

"Voldie, Voldie, where art thou, Voldie?" she called. Voldemort twitched in annoyance. One did not call the Dark Lord 'Voldie'! He leapt out, fully intending to 'Avada Kedavra' her to oblivion, but forgot that she was a Mary Sue and was promptly glomped.

"Voldie!" she squealed.

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2) Kneel before him dressed up as a Death Eater and say, "My Lord, your plans to kill Potter have failed…again…for the thousandth time…man you are a loser."

The next day, Voldemort held a meeting of his Death Eaters to discuss the problem of the Mary Sue. As their meeting came to a halt with some interesting ideas (giant mousetrap, anyone? Voldie bait included!), Voldemort realized that something was wrong.

"Who are you?!" he roared at the strange new Death Eater. "Answer me!" He was about to Crucio the strange figure when it walked up to him and kneeled and kissed his hems.

"My Lord, your plans to kill Potter have failed-" Voldemort was confused. What plans? The ones he had weren't supposed to go into effect until next year!

"-again-" Voldemort twitched and reached for his wand. So what if his plans failed? That insane no-fashion-sense Muggle-lover kept pulling the plug on them!

"-for the thousandth time-" Nooo! There were only four! The other nine hundred ninety six times never existed! Voldemort realized he couldn't find his wand and nearly had an aneurism, a stroke, a heart attack, and nearly turned into a tomatohead as all the blood rushed to his face in embarrassment and fury.

"-man, you _are_ a loser," the voice finished dryly. Voldemort by now was on the ground, twitching and frothing at the mouth, his eyes rolled up in the the back of his head.

"Just goes to show," the Mary Sue said dryly, pulling out the Dark Lord's wand and twirling it like a baton. "No sense of fashion whatsoever, or he would have found a wand that works on Potty by now. By the way, I should check up on the brat." With a semi-nonexistent _pop_, the Mary Sue Disapparated.

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3) Ask him how his relationship with Lucius is.

Harry stared at the message on his bed. _So I have a strange ally who calls herself 'Tensa-chan' and 'the Writer' and is a Mary Sue with as-of-yet unknown powers who will only fight against Voldemort as part of her prank campaign against him_, he thought. _This is so seriously stupid! I need better sidekicks! _

Back to the victi—err, story.

"So, Voldie?" the all-too-well-remembered voice of the Mary Sue popped up. "How's your relationship with Lucie?"

Voldemort twitched slightly and took off his glasses hastily. After all, his eyesight was supposed to be fine. 20-20 or whatever those blasted muggles called it. It wasn't his fault he couldn't afford more candles!

"I do not know a girl named 'Lucie'," he said frostily. "I am not in a relationship with any female."

"So you're in a relationship with Lucie!" the Mary Sue squealed delightedly. "Invite me next time you two do something!" (AN: Not in that way, you pervs.)

"I. Am. Not. In. A. Relation. Ship. With. This. Lucie!" Voldemort cried. "I'm a-!" He stopped himself barely in time.

The Mary Sue glanced down at the list of torture, saw the next item on the list, and smirked to herself.

"So, you admit it? After all, you must need his family's money pretty badly. Do you beg?"

"Wait, did you say '_he_'?" Voldemort asked suspiciously, warning Sneakoscopes screaming in his mind.

The Mary Sue stared at him. "Of course I'm talking about Lucius! Who else besides that Malfoy? He's even a pure-!"

"I AM NOT HOMOSEXUAL! OR GAY!" Voldemort screamed.

"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHILE I AM SPEAKING!" the Mary Sue roared, then continued in a conversational tone. "So you're lesbian, then? Wait, let me check under those robes; is there anything there?"

Voldemort blew a gasket and had to revive himself via Horcrux.

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4) Ask him if he is a virgin.

Voldemort was engaging in some mentally soothing activity and therapeutic time – alright, he was visiting a Muggle day spa, but so what! He was the Dark Lord and could get one installed in his home! (he then realized he lived in a haunted mansion and _couldn't_.) – when his warning Sneakoscopes went off again. They went on an all-time high as he heard his masseur come in. But- it couldn't be!

It was.

"Hello, Voldie," she crooned, searching for the massage oil and accidentally dropping the glass (!) bottle when she found it. ("Oopsie!" "That was the only oil of that type that they had left! I'm allergic to all other types!") She then got to work on his shoulders without using that oil; what she used hurt like hell.

"Do you like this? It's special itching cream I got from my last victim," she said. "They used it in torture and interrogation, you know."

"What do you want me to say?" Voldemort gritted out. His shoulders felt like they were on fire.

"Well, I first wanted to compliment you on how well you look with hair. It befits you and you shouldn't cut it." Voldemort gritted his teeth at her slow drawl. He was sure it was on purpose: she had spoken in much faster tones at other times.

"Get to the point!"

"Well, are you a virgin?"

"EHHH?" Voldemort was so shocked he didn't even articulate a word. In response, the Mary Sue slapped his shoulder. (AN: If someone hits you on a painful part, it hurts. Like Hell.)

"Come on now! I want the truth!" Voldemort, his nerves already going from his other incidents, finally admitted the truth.

"Yes."

The Mary Sue laughed and ran off. "Yeees! I knew it!" she screamed as she ran out. Then, she turned back and pulled some stuff out and tossed it to Voldemort.

He caught it. It was a roll of bandages and some tube of antiseptic with a note attached. Hoping it would be the antidote to the torture cream, he slathered it on.

Bad idea.

Voldemort squeaked (squeaked!) as the antiseptic made his wounds feel on fire. It was then that he realized the Mary Sue wouldn't be so kind to him. He decided to read the note.

'Dear Mary Sue,

I believe this is yours. I don't want it back.

-Kakashi'

Underneath it was a list of ingredients: salt 70, water 30. Voldemort realized that he had been duped. Then, being the idiot he was, he decided to bandage himself.

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5) Call him Voldie.

Voldemort soon realized it was a bad idea to pull on those bandages. For one, they were waterproof, fireproof, spellproof, and just about everything else proof. Second, they wouldn't come off.

"Like the ninja bandages?" a slightly dulcet voice said. "Got those off my last victim, too. Specially reinforced to be just about anything proof, hold up against breakage, and stick using your magic."

"So you mean they aren't coming off??!!!" Voldemort shrieked.

"Not unless you die, lose your magic, or manage to control it so you force your magic out, no," the Mary Sue said. "Voldie," she added wickedly.

"Don't call me that!" he shrieked.

"What, Voldie? I've _been_ calling you that," the Mary Sue said dryly.

"Well, don't!"

"Too bad, 'cause you're now Voldie!"

"Call me anything but 'Voldie'!" Voldie screamed.

"Sure!" Voldemort got a feeling of impending doom, and the Sneakoscopes in his head exploded from the feeling of danger.

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6) Call him Voldie-poo.

"Voldie-poo!" the Mary Sue cried as Voldemort was in the middle of another Death Eater meeting. None of the ideas, even the 'ignore her and hope for the better' one, had worked. Killing Potter was not second priority; getting rid of this high-powered nuisance was first.

Several Death Eaters snickered at the nickname; Voldemort promptly Crucioed them, causing the rest of them to shut up.

"Don't call me that!"

"You said I could call you anything that wasn't 'Voldie'!" the Mary Sue complained. "I held up my end of the bargain!"

"Well, 'Voldie-poo' has 'Voldie' in it and makes it sound like you're my mother!" Voldemort cried.

"Well, anything's better than 'Voldemort'! Who on earth names himself 'Flight from Death'? In _Latin_?"

There was complete and utter silence.

"Other than you, weirdo," the Mary Sue said, flapping a hand at him. "But I will refrain from calling you 'Voldie-poo' anymore."

Voldemort realized that whatever was coming next and began to prepare himself for it. The poor fool. You can't prepare against someone like Tensa-chan.

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That's done! Next chapter: Tom gets more name calling, and finally learns how to take those blasted ninja bandages off!


	2. Chapter 2

2stupid: Well, here's Chapter 2.

Tensa-chan: Wow, fastest update we've done so far…

2stupid: So, R&R… or just read.

Tensa-chan: Try not to get a hernia, please. All that laughter can be dangerous.

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Chapter 2

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7) Call him Tom.

Voldemort sulked. Well, perhaps 'sulked' was too mild a word.

Voldemort was in a black, black, foul, foul mood. The poor person, place, thing, or idea that caught his attention got itself 'Crucio'ed or 'Avada Kedavra'ed.

After all, how was he to know that all he needed to do to get rid of those blasted bandages was to use the Banishing Charm?

"Tom!" the voice came. It was that dratted Mary Sue again!

"Don't call me that!" he screamed. "Why didn't you tell me that all I had to do was Banish the bandages?!"

"I did, remember?" the Mary Sue asked wickedly. "I told you that you had to use magic to remove them."

"In a riddle!"

"Aw, Tom can't solve a simple widdle?" the Mary Sue crooned in a horrendous parody of a mother. "Aftew all, it was youw wast name."

"Shut up!" Voldemort screamed. "And don't you dare make connections to Riddle! Your baby-voice is terrible!"

The Mary Sue simply laughed her head off and Voldemort realized that she had only been baiting him.

"I won't call you 'Tom', then," the Mary Sue said.

"Actually, I would prefer that you called me 'Tom' rather than any other idiotic alias you can dream up," Voldemort said.

"Even 'My Lord and Master'?"

"S-she has a-a point, y-you kno-ow," Wormtail stammered. Voldemort promptly 'Crucio'ed him.

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8) Call him Tommy.

"So, poor Tommy can't even stand a little teasing," the Mary Sue drawled cruelly. The Dark Lord felt tempted to scream his frustrations out, but that would be demeaning. It specifically said _in the handbook_ (for Dark Lords) that Dark Lords were supposed to never lose their temper, always act cold and evil, develop a maniacal laugh, and never, ever scream.

So much for the handbook.

"Don't call me 'Tommy'," the Dark Lord said irritably. "It's worst than both 'Tom' and 'Voldie-poo'."

The Mary Sue laughed. "Don't worry, Tommy," she said, stressing the 'Tommy', "Life is about to get more interesting for you."

The Dark Lord nearly screamed until he remembered the ultimate Catch-22 of the Handbook for Evil Dark Lords; never scream. If you do, your reputation and ability as a Dark Lord will go shot-put. Voldemort changed it to a strangled gurgle before remembering the other half of the phrase; it is better to scream than to hide it, because if you hide it, it makes your reputation and ability to go shot-put farther. You may never achieve 'Dark Lord' status again.

Voldemort groaned before remembering the afternote; never groan or your reputation will _definitely_ get shot to hell.

He definitely needed some help.

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9) Call him Tommy-boy.

Voldemort was trying to find a way to reaffirm his Dark Lord-ness (thank God his Death Eaters were too afraid of him to spread the rumors!) when the Mary Sue came by again.

"How's your reputation, Tommy-boy?" she asked, far too cheerfully for his tastes. He was so hung up on her tone that it took him a while to realize that she had called him 'Tommy-boy.'

The resulting tantrum further destroyed his credibility and could be heard in Asia. (At her computer, 2stupid looked around. "Oh, it must be Tensa-chan at it again," she muttered before turning back to her screen.)

The Mary Sue's laughter could be heard the entire following week, and even the Light side was now entirely afraid of her. More so than Voldemort.

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10) Force him to do the Can-Can.

"Voldie!" the Mary Sue screamed, startling the poor guy out of the first sound sleep he had had for a while. They had agreed to let her call him 'Voldie' as it was the most acceptable of all the names available. Well, the Mary Sue had picked the names while Voldemort sat in the background complaining. Futilely.

"Do the Can-Can!" the Mary Sue screamed insanely (and happily). The Dark Lord simply moaned but freaked out – literally – as his body began moving without his consent.

"What did you do to my body?!" he screamed. In response, the Mary Sue showed him marionette wires and smirked maniacally/insanely.

"I got these from Marionettenspieler. Like it?" Voldemort's body began to do the Macarena.

"This is even more demeaning than going outside and stripping," Voldemort muttered. "At least there's no one outside."

"I heard that," the Mary Sue said. "Next time, wait until I'm gone or else you might just end up doing exactly that."

Voldemort gulped as his hands began moving in a strange pattern. He felt like he was on show for somebody.

"Oops, that's the Macarena. You know, I don't know the Can Can."

Voldemort stared at her in shock. _I thought she was a Mary Sue_ was the only thought running in his head.

"Oops, heh heh," the Mary Sue said, making an apologetic face.

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11) If he does not know the Can-Can, force him to learn, then do number 10.

"So," the Mary Sue continued on evilly, "I'm sending you to classes to learn. Imperio!"

With that, Voldemort went to a Muggle Year 1 dance class. The teacher told him she had never had as hopeless a student as he; all others could at least do the Can-Can. (not to mention the age difference)

In response, Voldemort's injured pride made him throw off the Imperius and he promptly began to massacre the dance class. Halfway through, the Mary Sue appeared.

"Bad Voldie," she scolded. "No killing your dance class!" She then kneed him in the solar plexus, causing him to double over in pain, and proceeded to spank him soundly. The remaining class members (the teacher was the first to go) stared in awe.

The Mary Sue kicked (literally) Voldemort back to his mansion and, with a few taps of her fingers, revived the dead people and repaired everything. Another few taps and she had erased the incident from everyone's minds. After all, she is co-Author and thus is omnipotent.

So, Voldemort got grounded. ("Don't act like you're my mother!" "I'm not dead yet!") The Mary Sue showed him a cheesy film rental of the Can-Can and forced him to do it.

And since the authors don't know that the Can-Can is, I suppose we won't be putting that in. After all, I have a feeling it's going to traumatize us, watching a fifty-year-old semi-immortal snake-like (that part isn't so bad) _bald_ man missing a nose and out of shape do the Can-Can. Whatever that is.

But we made Voldie perform the Can-Can and that's how it all went.

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Done! How was it? Good? Bad? Scary? Should be deleted, erased from the file, the computer, keyboard, monitor, and power cords chopped up and burned? The ashes scattered on the wind? In space? What?

On another note, this chapter is shorter than the last by a little over a page. However, I have found that reading short chapters of funny stuff is better than long chapters of funny stuff because it impacts more. Therefore, I shall do around six or seven ideas per chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

2stupid: And here is the next chappie. Rating may be going up due to language.

Tensa-chan: We all know you want to read, so read!

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Chapter 3

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12) Put a picture of Harry Potter on his face…while he is sleeping.

Voldemort went to bed, ignoring his gut feeling that going to sleep was a bad thing to do. Well, since he had already spent the other three nights without sleep (working on those unending reports. Had he known there would be so much paperwork, he wouldn't have become Dark Lord in the first place) he was about to die from insomnia and promptly fell asleep so his bags could heal.

He woke up to a strange, rather sore feeling on his face. Getting up, he realized something was wrong. Drastically wrong. Turning, he looked into the mirror.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

He had turned into the Potter brat! He promptly had a coronary (heart attack) and had to be revived by going to the Dark equivalent of St. Mungo's.

In the end, he found out that the Mary Sue had simply super-glued a realistic picture of Harry Potter on his face. And used a Permanent Sticking Charm as well. Thus, our favorite Dark Lord has had to spend his time in both extremely expensive magic remover and vinegar to remove the picture from his face. He now resembles a tomato as both products should not make contact with facial skin (for vinegar, outside the mouth) in any way. A bald tomato.

He was now a chronic insomniac, but the Harry Potter incident had left its mark- and its mental and psychological scars.

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13) Or put balloons of Harry Potter around his bed when he is sleeping.

The next time Voldemort slept, this time also due to exhaustion but in the Dark St. Mungo's hospital, the Mary Sue began blowing balloons. Then, with a wave of her wand, she positioned the balloons around Voldemort's bed so that when he woke up, he would see only Harry Potter faces, no matter where he looked. She even changed his blankets, bedsheets, and nightshirt.

Of course, being in an exhausted sleep does have its downsides if you're pranking someone. Voldmort slept through the next two days, and Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, if you were wondering.) was forced to refill the balloons of air several times. After the fifth time, she discovered that the balloons were leaking and promptly got new ones.

Thirty minutes later, Voldemort woke up. He opened his eyes- and began screaming. His screams echoed along the hallways and rooms of Riddle Manor for a good hour and a half.

Anyone who entered would find the Dark Lord unconscious on the ground, his eyes rolled up in the back of his head, mouth foaming, and limbs gently twitching every so often.

After he had woken up, Voldemort swiftly hexed the balloons – the ones he hadn't crushed while screaming in fear and trying to run away from – to oblivion. Then, he decided to take a shower.

Standing in the gently steaming water worked wonders for his nerves. Or at least until he chanced to look down. Was that 'I luv Potter' tattooed on his—

Voldemort screeched once more, slipped in the shower, and broke his neck while having a second coronary.

This time, the Dark doctors were unable to save him and were about to pronounce him dead when he used a Horcrux to revive himself.

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14)Ask him how a one-year-old could have beaten him.

Voldemort had just gotten out of the hospital and was doing the paperwork for his hospital stay when he took a closer look at the bills and realized that he was even being charged for the Harry Potter balloons and his stay in the morgue.

"Ten-" his shout was cut off as the Mary Sue apparated in.

"Voldie!" the irrepressible superbeing cried out, glomping him and squishing his face between her rather large… assets. "I just wanted to ask you a question."

"No, I am not gay. I simply do not feel like being attacked if I grope you," Voldemort said.

"That wasn't the question," the Mary Sue pouted. "The question was-"

"I don't wan't to hear it," Voldemort demurred. Immediately, the Mary Sue's countenance changed, becoming the stuff of nightmares.

"TWO THINGS, SHEAD. ONE: DO NOT INTERRUPT ME. EVER. TWO: DO NOT DISAGREE WITH ME. EVER!!!"

"Now," the Mary Sue said, becoming angelic once more. "How could a one-year-old have beaten you?"

Voldemort froze. "A one-year-old did not defeat me," he ground out. "His mother placed a charm on him that defeated me."

"Be nicer when you talk to me," the Mary Sue grumbled, whacking Voldemort on the back of his head.

"Shut up, old hag. I was N. O. T. defeated by a one-year-old."

"Denial's bad for you, you know. I suggest counseling."

"I'm not in denial!"

"Then what? You're definitely not accepting it."

"But I'm not in denial!"

"Well, you're in denial about being in denial."

"Am not!"

"So you're in denial about being in denial about being in denial?"

"When did I say that?"

"You didn't. I said it. You implied it."

"I did not!"

"Well, I inferred it. So there!"

Voldemort finally gave up arguing with the Mary Sue and stalked out. Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) looked at the files and 'accidentally' knocked over a candle.

"Oops."

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15) Tell him that Lucius wants to shag him.

Voldemort was relieved. The Mary Sue had not been back for a few weeks, and things were starting to look up for the Dark Lord and down for the Light side. Well, at least after he had to redo the hospital bills… the hospital's method of 'convincing' people was downright scary…

…_dirty… pink… llamas…Must… ignore… dirty… pink… llamas… _

Well, 'nuff said on Dark coercion techniques. Voldemort got to work on his invasion plans with a will.

"Lucius wants to shag you," a voice whispered at the edge of his consciousness (and no, I do not mean conscience. Voldie doesn't have one.) "Lucius wants to shag you."

The words gradually got louder and louder until they were practically screaming in his ear.

"Lucius does not want to shag me!" he finally screamed.

"But I overheard Lucius saying that he wanted to shag you!" the Mary Sue said, her words honey.

"Lucius is married and has a son. Do you think he would have a son if he were gay?"

"Haven't you heard of the saying 'an heir and a spare, then take your pleasure'?"

"No."

"Yes you do. I just told you."

"Yes."

"No, you hadn't, or else you'd know that Lucius wants to shag you!"

"Then what am I supposed to say?"

"I dunno! I don't control your motor functions!"

"Aaargh!"

------------Time Skip to the next Death Eater meeting-------------

"Lucius, I have a question to ask of you," Voldemort said. The aristocrat perked up, hoping it was whether or not he wanted a promotion. Or something like that. Voldemort never asked for promotions.

"Yes, milord?" he asked, careful to keep his inflections correct. However, Voldemort took that as a negative sign.

"Do you want to shag me?" Voldemort asked, sounding strangely strangled. He and the Mary Sue had finally decided to ask the man himself and see who won. If Voldemort won, Tensa-chan would stay out of his life. If Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) won… you'll see. (_What does 'shag' mean?_ Voldemort wondered.)

"Um… err…" How was he supposed to answer this question? He didn't even know what 'shag' meant! Sadly, Voldemort took it as a 'yes', which made Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) right and his life hell.

"Crucio!"

In the shadows, Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) giggled insanely.

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16) Tell him that Bellatrixa wants to shag him.

It had been a week since the 'shag' incident had ended. The Mary Sue hadn't even stopped taunting him about it.

"Bellatrix wants to shag you," she said suddenly. Voldemort fell out of his seat, shocked she wasn't going on about his 'shag' with Lucius. ("Lucius is waiting to shag you around the corner." Or, at two thirty in the morning; "I am Lucius and I want to shag you.")

It took a while for the sentence to get in his head.

"NOOOO!" Voldemort almost committed suicide and was only stopped when Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) threatened to send pictures of his death to the Daily Prophet, the entire Ministry of Magic, Dumbledore, the Order, Harry Potter, the little old lady next door, and the farmer boy down the street.

The Mary Sue secretly videotaped the whole thing and sent it to the Daily Prophet anyways. ("Hey, Rita? What's this for?" "I dunno, it looks like a Muggle device. Toss it." "Who knows? Maybe it's got some sex pics on it!" unsuspecting worker shows it in smuggled Muggle VCR "It's You-Know-Who committing suicide!" "Are you sure it isn't a fake?" "Yes!" "We have tomorrow's headline!")

When Voldemort read the paper the next day, he ripped out all of his newly-grown hair in fury.

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17) Ask him why he is bald.

"Voldemort, why are you bald?" the Mary Sue asked. Voldemort simply made a strangled sound and began gulping his morning coffee so he could go deal with his mountain of paperwork. Most of which was hatemail or related to Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot) in some way.

Disappointed, the Mary Sue never brought the subject up again. Then she looked at the next item on her list and smiled the evil smile…

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18) Tell him he needs a wig.

"You need a wig," the Mary Sue informed him after thirty minutes of disappointed, surprised, and depressed blinking.

"WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT I LOST MY HAIR IN THE FIR- NO, SECOND- PLACE!? THE FIRST TIME WAS DUE TO MY BECOMING DARK LORD, THE SECOND WAS WHEN YOU MADE ME TEAR IT OUT IN FRUSTRATION! AND I'M NOT BALD; I JUST SHAVE!"

Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you forgot.) blinked several more times, then stared at the newly-imposing Dark Lord's figure.

"Right…" she said. It seems he wasn't a Dark Lord for nothing. Too bad she passed that rank a long time ago. And it seems like she could now push his buttons. (Just like Cyrano's nose! from the obscure nineteenth century comedy _Cyrano de Bergerac._ Basically the play's about a brilliant guy with a huge nose (and because of it thinks he's unlovable) who falls in love with a beautiful woman who loves another (beautiful but idiotic) man. Cyrano then helps his rival get the maiden (O.o;;), and it turns out that all along, she loved him. Seriously.)

"You're in denial," she accused him, once again. Voldemort blew like a volcano.

Tensa-chan (the Mary Sue, in case you've forgotten. If you don't know that by now, go read the entire chapter over again.) simply ignored him and left. She had seen more impressive displays. After she had left the room, Voldemort got depressed and began poking at a random grape, which then, due to its over ripeness, burst on him, ruining his favorite, new robes and squirting stinging grape juice in his eyes.

"Why me?" he muttered morosely.



Done! Wow, these are fast updates…


	4. Chapter 4

2stupid: We don't own anything except Tensa-chan –

Tensa-chan: No, you don't! chases after 2stupid with chainsaw

2stupid: Waah! I'm sorry!

Tensa-chan: Get back here!

2stupid: runs into magical territory I'm safe!

Tensa-chan: magically powers chainsaw No, you're not!

2stupid: Waah! runs off

Tensa-chan: Hey! chases after 2stupid



Chapter 4



19) When he rants about how bad muggles are, remind him that he is half muggle.

"I want to get rid of the muggles!" Voldemort screamed at the Death Eaters. It was another Death Eater meeting. "The muggles are inferior beasts unnecessary to this planet!"

Of course, just then, Tensa-chan dropped from the skies to deliver divine retribution… er, fell out of a tree several yards away (just outside the meeting circumference) splitting her sides laughing. Which in itself was worse than divine retribution. Voldemort's reputation was most definitely not recovering.

"You're half-muggle yourself," Tensa-chan said. "So you're half useless? Well, that certainly explains your reticence and lack of any ability whatsoever."

"Impudent fool! Do not malign the Dark Lord in such a way!" Bellatrix shrieked, immediately going to her liege's defense, making many (including Voldemort) wonder if she had feelings for (and wanted to shag) him.

"Ooh, Voldie! Bella luurves you! Kukukukuku!"

"That's my evil laugh!" Voldemort cried. "Plagiarism!"

"I'm an author of this fic, and Rowling has never shown how you laughed, so it is NOT! Kukukukuku!"

"It's mine!"

"KUKUKUKUKU!"

"Alright, fine! Take it! I'll invent something better!"

"Voldie sounds like little child!" The Mary Sue was virtually bouncing off headstones by now.

"Do not malign the Dark Lord!" Bella shrieked once more.

"I'm not! I'm just telling the truth! Voldie is half Muggle! Not even half Mudblood! He's half MUGGLE!"

"Shut up!" Voldemort himself screamed. From there on, things went down hill.

The meeting ended when Tensa-chan got mad at a few Death Eaters, including Bella, and set dangerous African fire ants over the entire group. Don't ask me where she got them; even I don't know. Everyone apparated away to get away from the obnoxious insects, and that was the end of that.



20) When he talks about his plans on how to kill Harry, yell, "This isn't going to work!"

Voldemort was now in the safety of Riddle Manor, warded against such pests as Muggles, Aurors, and African fire ants.

He was currently discussing methods of killing Potter with his inner circle, which included Snape and Malfoy.

"So, we've got it all planned," Voldemort said in satisfaction.

"THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK!" Tensa-chan screamed in his ear. Voldemort reeled back, trying to recover his sense of hearing in his left ear.

"How did you get in here, impudent worm?" Bellatrix screeched.

"Do you always have to use 'impudent'? It's annoying," Tensa-chan replied. She then gave Bella the two-fingered salute. Bella was left with her jaw on the carpeting.

"Please do not give Bellatrix a heart attack," Voldemort said with as much dignity as he could muster. "She is especially valuable in my war effort."

Tensa-chan only smirked. The rest of the group, recognizing the malice hidden within, took a collective step back. A big one.

"Bye!" was the only thing she said. She simply left, and the entire group breathed a collective sigh. A big one.



21) Or mumble loud enough so he can hear, "This isn't going to work."

Voldemort held his next meeting a week later. As they were finished discussing plans, the Mary Sue popped in again.

"This isn't going to work," she mumbled, tracing military invasion plans with a finger and shaking her head sorrowfully.

"What isn't going to work?" Malfoy demanded, affronted. After all, he was the one whose opinions were on the final draft.

"It's here. You see, the pass narrows here so that—" The Mary Sue suddenly broke off. "You're just trying to take my ideas, aren't you?!"

"No," lied Malfoy.

"Don't lie! I can use Legilimency!"

"But-"

"Your Occlumency skills are terrible!"

"Your-"

"THIEF! PLAGIARIZER! Figure it out for yourself!" The Mary Sue suddenly seemed _very_ forbidding. "HA HA!" The Mary Sue ran out, laughing insanely.

Wisely (or not), no one tried to follow her.



22) Make him sing, "Girls just wanna have fun."

The Mary Sue looked at number 22. She had no idea what the song was. So, she simply imperio'ed Voldemort into doing the chicken dance and posted it on YouTube.

Now Voldemort was a YouTube celeb… in the bad sense. He ended up buried in fan and hate mail.

End. No, not really. But it was a while before he could dig himself back out of it.



23) Mumble incoherent things whenever he talks.

Voldemort looked at the Mary Sue.

"Can I help you?" he asked frostily.

"Mumble mumble mumble."

"Apparently not. Now, Lucius-"

"Mumble mumble mumble."

"Will you please be-"

"Mumble mumble mumble."

"Ma-"

"Mumble mumble mumble."

"Aaargh-"

"Mumble mumble mumble."

"SHUT-!"

"Mumble mumble mumble."

Voldemort screamed and ran off to commit suicide. After, he had to use a Horcrux to bring himself back.



24) Learn a language he doesn't know and talk to him in it.

Voldemort looked at the Mary Sue. "So you'll kill me if I attack any Muggle?" he asked, attempting to sound cool and collected and failing miserably. Truth to tell, the Mary Sue scared him, even more than the Boy-Who-Lived did.

"Yep!" she said cheerfully. Too cheerfully. Of course, by now Voldemort was too wise (and too whipped) to do anything but agree. He watched helplessly as his plans to kill off all Muggleborns fly down the drain.

Tensa-chan skipped off and whistled as she began inquiring where she could find any Polyjuice Potion.

So… time skip!

A week later, Voldemort was regretting his decision. Some of his Death Eaters had threatened to mutiny but his Crucios, combined with the threats of the Mary Sue, had quelled the lot. Cowards. (coughhypocritecough)

It had been a week since the Mary Sue was around, and Voldemort was growing irritated.

"Milord," Wormtail began, only to be Crucio-ed.

"Deal with it," Voldemort said curtly. It was only the plumbing, anyways.

A few hours later, as Wormtail was fixing the plumbing, Voldemort went shopping. Not that he let anyone know it was him.

"Ni hao," the old woman said. (good morning)

"I'm afraid I don't understand what you're saying," the Dark Lord said, the Mary Sue's threat running through his head.

"Ni hao, ni da bun dan." (good morning, you big moron/idiot.)

"I really don't understand what you're saying."

"Dan shi wo zhi dao ni zhai suo shun ma. Chao ni ma de pi." (But I know what you're saying. censored censored censored.)

"Um, Miss-"

"Ting wo! Ni shi ren, aah? Ni-" (Listen to me! You are human, eh? You-)

"I'm afraid-"

"Bi zhui! Lang wo shuo hao eh! Ni shi yi ge da feng ji!" (Shut up! Let me finish! You are a big, crazy chicken! private joke between me and my friend, who to learn how to say 'I am crazy chicken.' I then reply, "Yo soy loco pollo.")

"Bu-"

"Ni da bun dan! Ni yao shue zhen me ting bie ren shuo de hua! Zhai jian – bu, wo bu yao zhai jian ni!" With that, the little old lady slapped Voldemort across the face with her shopping bag and Apparated out. (You big idiot! You have to listen when other people talk! Good bye (in Chinese, this literally means 'Meet you again') – no, I don't want to meet you again!)

A few streets down, the Mary Sue giggled as the last of the Polyjuice Potion wore off and she checked her shopping.

One working camcorder… check.

One working memory disk… check.

One clandestine recording of the previous meeting… check.

Voldemort was going down.



Was anyone curious about the language? It was my native Mandarin (in ping yin, or when the sounds are fitted to the Roman alphabet).

By the way, in this story, Voldie got the Horcrux back before R.A.B. could destroy it, so he has four. Good luck to him.


	5. Chapter 5

2stupid: Yep, the fifth installment in this rather less-than-popular series.

Tensa-chan: Oh, btw, can anybody tell us how to get the DivX player to work? We spent two hours downloading it and now it refuses to play anything.

2stupid: We downloaded Bittorrent, too. TT.TT

Tensa-chan: Stupid technology.

2stupid: Like you're one to talk.

Tensa-chan: Oh, shut up. At least I know how to build a nuke.

2stupid: Not that that's going to help you any time in the future.

Tensa-chan: It is if I decide to be an engineer.

2stupid: Whatever.

Tensa-chan: As usual, I have the last word. Ciao!



Chapter 5



25) Tell him you are going to kill Potter.

Voldemort was going to kill Potter. He now knew that; no one else could take the glory from him!

Unless they were a certain Mary Sue by the name of Tensa-chan.

"I'm going to kill Potter," she said out of the blue one day. Sadly, Voldemort had been halfway through a rant about killing that selfsame Potter and wasn't really paying that much attention to her.

So, he made one of the biggest mistakes in his life.

"Of course you will." However, when his brain processed what he had just said, he tried to recant.

"But you can't!" the Mary Sue cried. "I have it all on tape, mon cherie"

"What?!"

"Yep!" and the Mary Sue proceeded to play a tape of him saying "Of course you will."

Voldemort turned a beautiful shade of magenta (not unlike that of Mr. Gross when looking at the CAVS Class of '06 Eighth Grade Class Picture our math class stuck our picture in his planner. He turned to the page and started laughing so hard he turned purple. Seriously.).

"NOOOOO!" he cried, and proceeded to vanish, just like the tax guy when you don't need him.

Or at least he tried to. His flight from ignominy was cut short as Tensa-chan simply grabbed him by the back of his shirt and dragged him from ending up in whatever place Vanished things end up.

So, now we have a semi-Vanished Dark Lord. The strange thing, however, was that it caused him to begin regrowing hair. And it didn't stop until his hair was waist-length and he looked like a girl.

Cutting it didn't help, either.



26) Fight with him about who is going to kill Potter.

"I am going to kill Potter!" Voldemort snapped, attempting to ignore his silky, effeminate tresses.

"No, I am!"

"You are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am too!"

"Not!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!" And on it went.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!" And on.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!" And on.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!" And on.

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"Aha! You said 'Yes!'" (Tensa-chan)

"But you said 'No first!'" (Voldemort)

"But you ended it on 'yes' so I win! I get to kill Potter!"

"But the prophecy said I had to do it!"

"The prophecy is entirely wrong!"

"But-"

"I. AM. KILLING. POTTER. And ever interrupt a Mary Sue! Do I make myself clear?!" Tensa-chan suddenly looked like Brother Petros from Trinity Blood when he was on a righteous crusade. Her flaming eyes burned at him.

"O-okay." Voldemort squeaked. Why, oh why had this Mary Sue come and ruined his career?

"I can read your thoughts, you know," Tensa-chan said.

Voldemort thought about the things he had thought about when he thought he was safe behind his Occlumency walls. Like killing the Muggle down the street… or shagging Bella…

Tensa sniggered and Voldemort ran off screaming.



27) Ask him when he got the nose job.

"I have reason to believe that your real name is Michael Jackson," Tensa-chan said when she next visited.

Of course, Voldemort, being the Muggle ignoramus that he is, had no idea what she was saying.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Apparently, this fairly informative website says that you both have extremely pale skin, lank black hair, hollow cheekbones, hmm… Jackson wears glasses all the time so no one can see his eyes, you're both insert height here tall, are both extremely reclusive, appearing once every few years, and are both pedophiles."

"WHAT?!?! I'm not a pedophile!"

"That's what Jackson said."

"Why would I be a pedophile."

"You're a gay pedophile."

"That's even worse!"

"Well, you apparently raped two boys after inviting them to your home. There may be other charges… first trial was settled out of court for fee… second trial you mysteriously got away scott-free… alleged mind control techniques… suspected of being a cultist…"

"I get it!"

"No you don't. You have no idea who Jackson is. Hmmm, now that I think about it, you were absent during the time Jackson was popular. And now he's vanished and you're back."

"You make no sense whatsoever, Mary Sue," Voldemort denied.

"Oh, and you're both bad singers."



28) Tell him he is a loser.

"You're a loser," the Mary Sue suddenly said one day. Lucius, who was busy doing paperwork, looked up.

"That was random," he commented.

"And derogatory," Bella added nastily. "You should apologize."

"Peace, Bella," Voldemort said.

"Man, you're lame. You have to rely on those two to stick up for you."

"SILENCE. I will not have you saying these things to Lord Voldemort!" Voldemort cried.

"Yep. Definitely a loser. You even refer to yourself in the third person."

"It was in the Official Handbook for Evil Dark Lords!"

"You didn't read it through, didn't you?"

"What does that have to do with anything?!"

"Because the whole referring to yourself in third person thing was in the blue laws section."

"…"

"…"

"… Oops."



29) And Harry is a winner.

Voldemort was closing another of his meetings with his Death Eaters.

"So, anything to add?"

"Harry Potter is a winner," the Mary Sue said cheerfully. "He's gonna defeat you all!"

"He will not!" the assembled Death Eaters said as one.

"Sure he will!" Tensa-chan said. "He has the backing of the Author, J.K. Rowling."

"Crud," Voldemort grunted.

"So we'll gain the Author's backing, Tensa," Voldemort said decisively a while later.

"Have fun!" Tensa-chan said. "See you later! I really love you guys!"

Several Death Eaters twitched, but they turned to planning to get the Harry Potter series to end their way.

And since the eight book has not come out yet at the time this was written, I cannot say whether or not they have gotten the backing or not.



Michael Jackson is like a phoenix. Both are extremely rare, rarely appear, undergo periodic drastic changes, and have loads of fans.


	6. Chapter 6

2stupid: Ni hao ma?!

Tensa-chan: Wo hao de! Ni ne?

2stupid: Wo hao de!

Tensa-chan: Why are we talking in Chinese? And aren't we supposed to be talking to our readers?

2stupid: Well, we do need a disclaimer.

Tensa-chan: Ooh, something funny, to fit with the theme.

2stupid: How about 'No own, no sue'?

Tensa-chan: Lame. Besides, the grammar's horrible.

2stupid: You think of one then.

Tensa-chan: How about… 'We don't own, you don't sue'?

2stupid: Hey, you plagiarized my idea!

Tensa-chan: I built on and improved it, idiot. It's not plagiarizing. It's idea-stealing. Like looking at someone's essay. And then using their examples. But in paraphrase.

2stupid: Aaargh! Think of something else! Something… not so lame!

Tensa-chan: Glad you hate your own idea. How about… 'We don't own HP, Rowling, or anything affiliated with the two (other than random household objects). Not do we own the idea. That's Rica666's. If you must sue, go sue her.'

2stupid: Alright. I like that. Just don't blame me when she comes flaming our story due to the amount of lawyers on her tail.

Tensa-chan: smirks evilly Oooh, like that idea. So, Disclaimer: We don't own HP, Rowling, or anything affiliated with the two (other than random household objects). Not do we own the idea. That's Rica666's. If you must sue, go sue her. Oh, we do own our allusions to our first multi-chap fanfic, the first of these story-bother thingies. I forgot the title, but I know it had Hatake Kakashi and 30 Ways in it…



Chapter 6



30) Tell him that he should hug Dumbledore.

"You should go hug Dumbledore," Tensa-chan said abruptly one day, then walked off. Voldemort didn't even look up from his paperwork. Hmmm… he needed more funding for his 'Kill Muggleborns' project.

"Sheesh, you're no fun anymore," she grumbled as she watched the Dark Lord work on. "I guess I'll have to borrow Harvest Moon Racoon's idea." Walking over, she began poking him.

Poke…

Poke…

The poking was disrupting Voldemort's concentration, not to mention that it was beginning to give him a bruise.

"Stop it!" he roared.

"Yay! Voldie made a noise!" Tensa-chan cheered as she ran off. Then she ran back, slammed her index fingers into the space between his floating ribs (the two lowermost ones) and ran off as Voldemort grabbed his sides and moaned in pain. (AN: It really does hurt. I have a friend who does that every time she wants to see what book I'm reading and now I think I have kidney failure… TT.TT)

Voldemort would remain incapacitated for the rest of the week.



31) Tell him that he needs to get a brain.

"Why aren't my accounts adding up?" Voldemort wondered, frustrated. Little did he know that Tensa-chan had messed his balances up. It was only a little thing, like erasing a few zeroes at the end of the Malfoy Gringotts accounts… so now they had 1,687 Galleons instead of 1,687,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000… well, you get the idea.

"You need to get a brain, that's why!" Tensa-chan said seriously as she looked at the balance sheets. "See, you messed up there- and there- and there-" she began repeating the phrase until she had pointed to virtually the entire sheet.

"Why don't you just start over?" she asked sympathetically, throwing all of Voldemort's sixteen hours of hard work into the fire.

"Nooo… my work," Voldemort moaned, seeing it go up in flames.

"Even better, make Lucius do it."

"LUCIUS!" Voldemort called. Why was he following this Mary Sue's advice? "GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!"

"Yes, milord?"

"You are now in charge of the Death Eaters' budgets. Have fun," Voldemort said as he showed Lucius rooms and rooms filled with paperwork that needed to be done. "I want this done by morning, or you die."

Tensa-chan giggled. "Just like in the fairy tale."

"Hey, I'll do the work for you if you give me that cane of yours," she offered.

"Alright, but it has to be done by morning, or I'll kill you before my master kills me."

"Sure!" Tensa took out a pen and Lucius' cane, pulled out the nearest sheet of paper, and began writing.

((Several hours later))

"Done!" Tensa-chan said cheerfully. She had just rerouted several trillion Galleons to her own private account.

"Thank you!" Lucius cried. "Call on me if you ever need a favor!"

"Got it," Tensa-chan smirked as she vanished mysteriously into the shadows.

((Elsewhere))

The Mary Sue emerged out of the shadows.

"Gotta thank Shikamaru for that trick," she muttered. "Although I would have loved to ask for Malfoy's oldest son, Draco's a blubbery, cowardly idiot. Bummer."

((Several days later))

Voldemort finally finished the stack of papers.

"Hmmm. Why does it appear that I'm missing several trillion Galleons?" he wondered, then dismissed the matter from his mind. He was pooped.

Yes, three days straight of reading accounts with no caffeine whatsoever can do that to a person, Voldie.



32) Cry when he talks.

"WAAAH!" Voldemort realized no one could hear him over the ruckus.

"MEETING ADJOURNED!" he roared.

The crying stopped.

"And now you sto-?"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"SHUT UP!"

"WWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WE GET THE POINT!" Pettigrew screamed as he duct taped his Master's mouth. Immediately, the wailing stopped.

"Ah, silence is golden."

"But I thought the duct tape was silver," Pettigrew said confusedly.

"Shut up, idiot," the Mary Sue muttered.

"For once, I agree," Voldemort said, tearing off the duct tape.

"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort put it back on.

"So you're wailing your head off every single time my Lord opens his mouth," Wormtail stammered.

"Yep!" Tensa-chan said sweetly.

"You're hopeless," Lucius said from the doorway. He was promptly hexed by an unhappy Mary Sue.

And so it went, for the next few days as things ground to a halt as Voldemort was forced to write out his commands to his Death Eaters. Talk about troublesome.

He didn't even realize the Mary Sue had stolen his wand.



33) Follow him around trying to act like you are a spy, but do it badly.

Voldemort knew someone was following him. The same person had been trailing him for quite some time now. And he was pretty sure it was a spy. No one else moved so ridiculously, as if they were attempting to hide but not doing it very well. And he was sure he even heard theme music. Lame.

Tensa-chan pretended to be a very poor spy. Turning on her magicked cell phone, she called herself; the Spy vs. Spy ringtone blared out. Voldemort turned and Crucio'ed a 15th century magical Ming vase.

Voldemort looked at the damage he had done, then shrugged and walked off. Who needed an ancient piece of pottery like that, anyways?

Elsewhere and elsewhen, Lucius Malfoy looked at the wreckage and swooned. Nooo… not the family heirloom!

Tensa-chan chuckled evilly and laughed. Her evil plan was coming into fruition. Soon, Voldemort would be toppled from the throne. Wait. That wasn't evil, that was good! Damn! Oh well. Tensa-chan smiled benignly and chuckled sweetly. Her plan to save the world was working! Or something like that.

Well, in any case, Voldemort was going down. He who was walking – sorry, shuddering at the sound of evil laughter followed by childish giggling – was now doomed.

Voldemort ignored the crazy, insane Mary Sue as he walked off rather faster than he normally did. Like a bloodhound on a scent, Tensa-chan caught on to his nervousness and began dogging him like a shark.

"Hey Voldie," she whispered as a subliminal message. "I'm following you. You know that."

"Ignore the crazy Mary Sue," Voldemort said firmly to his Death Eaters. "She's finally cracked."

"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee," she whispered. "or a Cutting Hex."

"Definitely deranged," one foolish Death Eater said. Poor him. He got himself a good berth on the train to death. If there is one. Anyhow, the rest of the Death Eaters were fairly upset but too afraid to do anything. Shows how they became Death Eaters in the first place…

"We're ignoring the Mary Sue," Lucius said quickly, hoping to placate at least someone.

"Then someone Vanish Nott's remains," Voldemort said coldly. He just didn't want anyone to know his wand was missing. "Then, find me Ollivander."

"Yes, milord," the Death Eaters said as they vanished. Who knew where the wand maker had gone after running away a year or two previous?

There was a rustle as the Mary Sue 'fell' out of the tree.

"Oh, sorry," she said in a saccharine voice, knowing (from experience) that it would annoy the hell out of whoever heard it. "I'm just spying on you, so let's pretend this never happened. Bye!" She crawled into the bushes until only a pair of binoculars could be seen.

"Well, that was lame," Voldemort muttered, only to be hit in the head by a Kanaria doll. (AN: Kanaria is a living doll from the series 'Rozen Maiden.' She's supposed to be a really, really bad spy. All talk and no action.)

"What? It was!" he cried, only to be drowned in a load of Kanaria dolls and knocked down into the Riddle house. The rest of Little Whinging (AN: Is that the name?) was dramatically killed in a sudden flash flood of Kanaria dolls from the graveyard up the hill. Tensa-chan pressed a few keys and the damage was unwrought.

"It's so good to be Coauthor," she said wickedly.



34) Tell him you love him.

"I love you, Voldemort," an anonymous person said sighingly, her face hidden by a huge bouquet of roses. "Even more than Abel loved Cain (1), even more than Jagen loves Richard (2), and even more than Harry loves you! (3)"

"But Potter hates me," Voldemort pointed out stupidly.

"Exactly!"

"Wha--!" Voldemort was cut off as the roses were stuffed into his face. Too late, he remembered that he was allergic to roses-and that he had forgotten to take his anti-allergy potion this morning. Oh crud.

Within moments, Voldemort's face resembled a rose itself. What was worse were the paparazzi pictures going around. His face was going to be on the Daily Prophet… no…

So, with a few 'Accio!''s Voldemort took and destroyed the evidence, then hunted down and destroyed the paparazzi before hobbling off to bed and hopefully a potion cure. Wormtail took one look at his master and called up Snape to brew anti-allergy potion. Sadly, he didn't know that Tensa-chan had replaced his Unicorn horn powder with poison ivy extract.

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35) Hug him.

"Aww! You look adorable!" Tensa-chan squealed as she saw Voldemort the next day. "Did you like my trick? It was fairly simple! I was going to add itching powder to the pollen, but I decided not to. Aren't you lucky?"

"No."

"Well, you should feel that way. The last person I did this to was traumatized for life. And I only did thirty to him. I'm doing fifty to you."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Voldemort's wails rung off the walls and nearly collapsed the mansion around him. (4)



By this I'm referring to a manga called 'Trinity Blood.' In it, Abel HATES Cain. Yep.

Sword of Truth series. The two of them are archenemies and hate each other's guts.

Duh. If you can't figure this one out, you need to get a brain. I suggest the stork.

Once more in allusion to Trinity Blood. In the anime, there is an episode where the antagonist uses sound waves to destroy Barcelona. And a nun. But you don't need to know that. He played an organ. In the middle of the night.

Hi! I'm afraid that I accidentally lost my muse (read  my friend 'borrowed it without permission') so I'm afraid this chapter is a little less humorous than intended. That and I need to finish this other fanfic of mine. I'm on the last chapter. Or something like that.


	7. Chapter 7

2stupid: Sorry for the delay.

Tensa-chan: If you visit our profile and go to the bottom, you'll understand why.

2stupid: So, it's really not our fault. Oui!

Tensa-chan: Si!

2stupid: My, my, you're in a good mood today.

Tensa-chan: Yep!

2stupid: **_Warning: Do not read if you are sensitive to bad language. _**

Tensa-chan: You'll flip if you do!



Chapter 7



36) Cuss him out.

Like usual, Voldemort was walking around his manor. Or, at least it was supposed to be his manor. He didn't really have the papers (any of them) to prove it, though.

Hell, he barely even had a birth certificate!

And while he hated Muggles, he did approve of the way they chronicled peoples' lives. It made things so much tidier! Wizards could stand to learn a thing or to about that…

Wait. He did not just say that! Aaagh! Blame the Mary Sue!

Cue entrance. "You ftard! You don't even fin' know how to fin' think! You motherfing ahole!"

"What?" That only earned more cussing from the newcomer, who was a tall pink teen wearing strange clothes, a large rope, and a flute. (1)

"Idiot! Worthless s!"

Voldemort wondered exactly who this new lady was. His fears were confirmed when the original Mary Sue, Tensa-chan, walked in.

"Cuss him out, Tayuya! Cuss him out!" she began chanting as Tayuya's cussing became gradually worse. Soon, Voldemort had crawled under his desk and was holding his head and whimpering.

After a few minutes: "(bleep) the (bleep)ly (bleep)ing (bleep), you (bleep)ing (bleep)!"

After another few minutes: "censored censored censored"

Tensa-chan was impressed; it was hard not to be, with Tayuya's impressive repertoire.

"You haven't heard anything," she informed the Dark Lord as she Banished Tayuya, whose cusses faded out into the background. "Just wait until she cusses in Japanese. After all, she is a smouthed kunoichi." (2)

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37) Cuss him out…in German.

"So, am I off the hook?" Voldemort asked hopefully, crawling out from under the desk.

"Of course not, dumkoff!" Tensa-chan began to use her own impressive litany of cuss words- all in German. And since that wasn't enough, she decided just to scream random German words at the Dark Lord, who didn't know the language anyways.

"Jager, Gutentag, Gesundheit!" she screamed as she stormed off.

"Wait, doesn't 'Gesundheit' mean 'health'?" wondered Voldemort. "That reminds me; I missed my annual checkup. What with the amount of enemies I have, I need to go more often."



38) Cuss him out…in French.

Tensa-chan looked at the idea. "That would be nice, but I don't know any French cuss words," she muttered. "Or Spanish ones, for that matter. Oh, well."

A few hours later, Tensa-chan handed Voldemort a cup of drugged tea by mistake. ("Oops, that was supposed to be mine. I hate my chronic insomnia.")

And so, Voldemort woke up to being called nasty things like "lily-livered pansyface" and whatnot.

It was not a pleasant experience, and therefore he spent the next few weeks ensuring that his bedroom was secure from pottymouthed Mary Sues.



39) Cuss him out…in Spanish.

"Well, at least I know Spanish," Tensa-chan muttered. "I've been taking it for eight years."

(Right, me. I'm still in Spanish II… But it is the truth.)

"Hmm? Did you say something?" Voldemort asked. For some reason, the Mary Sue was in the same room with him, and was (for once) not harassing him. Not that the Mary Sue Organization did anything about harassment anyways… Damn them.

The Mary Sue stuck out her index finger, then fisted her other hand over it and pulled up.

"You did not," Voldemort said, scandalized.

"Did too, teme!" Oops, that was Japanese. "Stupido! Idiota!"

"Silencio!" Miraculously, the spell worked. Until…

"Meow."

"Poko-chan!" The Mary Sue picked up the cat. "Now I gotta return you again. See how troublesome you are?"

"Meow."

"Yep, you are. And don't forget it!"

Voldemort was slightly pissed. The damn Mary Sue was having a more intelligent conversation with a _cat_ than she had ever had with him! Of course, she's not attempting to annoy the cat to purgatory and back, either.

It wasn't until later that Voldemort thanked his lucky stars that the Mary Sue had forgotten to cuss him out… he had stolen a look at the sheet of annoyances and had gotten a heart attack from them. He had to use a Horcrux to bring himself back.

Tensa-chan 'realized' that she had forgotten to cuss him out in Spanish. But then, letting him read the list of 'annoyances' was more than enough. Besides, she didn't know how to cuss in Spanish.



40) Cuss him out…in Japanese.

"Well, since I didn't cuss you out in Spanish yesterday and the next thing on my list is to cuss you out in Japanese, as you probably know, I will proceed to cuss you out in Japanese. Baka."

"Teme!"

"Ooh, a cussing contest! Usuratonkachi!"

And on it went. The curses became long and varied, until they were entire insultory paragraphs unable to be published on this site unless the author wants to be shut down.

Tensa sighed mentally. Writing a fanfic like this is no fun if you can't use your artistic license because of writing rules.

But hey, at least she was getting an interesting lesson here. Oooh, that was brilliant. And very desultory. Tensa-chan fired back a much more concise insult and watched as Voldemort weakened under the onslaught.

Finally, things were getting interesting.

She turned back to her computer and began typing.

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41) Kiss him.

Tensa-chan snuck into Voldemort's bedroom dressed in a Lolita outfit. (3) Then she hid herself on his bed.

A few hours later, Voldemort wandered in and collapsed on bed. What he saw, he was NOT prepared for.

"GAAAAHHHHH!!!" he screamed, jumping out the window… and down… and down… and down… a hundred feet. (Ten-story building.)

"Oops," Tensa-chan muttered. She hopped out after him and discovered that the Dark Lord had (conveniently) landed in a duck pond.

Dragging the sopping Voldemort out of said pond, Tensa-chan proceeded to do the impossible.

She kissed him.

Of course, Voldemort, understandably not wanting to be raped, tried to bite her tongue off. Tensa-chan added force, and it soon became very, very rough. Sadly, things were broken off when Voldemort fainted from lack of air.

Tensa-chan was about to get off him, let the Dark Lord catch pneumonia (or hopefully something stronger), and go off to get something to wash the nasty taste out of her mouth (seriously! Did all villains forget about oral hygiene?) when she noticed a "weapon" making a bulge in his pants.

"HENTAI! PERVERT!"

Voldemort woke up cold, sick (pneumonia and hepatitis from the kiss), and concussed.



Forgive me. I just had to put Tayuya (Naruto) there. She's famous for being very cussy, though.

Kunoichi female ninja.

Just like Julianne from 'Kafka' (Volume 3, The Cain Saga)!

I just realized that HUMANS ARE INCONSEQUENTIAL AND DESTRUCTIVE. And therefore, I will go off and commit suicide by stuffing a pillow over my head.

….

I have just tried that. My glasses kept pushing up the pillow so I always got fresh air. So now I'm still alive, have glasses-imprints/marks/bruises on my face (OMG… jumping jacks tomorrow with them… ow…), and you can expect the next update in a week. Okie dokie?

PS. Ignore the suicidal part. It's just the bipolarness.


	8. Chapter 8

2stupid: Yep. Here's another chapter.

Tensa-chan: We're almost done with this fic…

2stupid: Please, read and review. There's only five ideas this time because I didn't want to do nine.

Tensa-chan: It'd take too long and be too troublesome.

2stupid: Tensa-chan! Don't be so lazy!

Tensa-chan: Meh. Whatever. Troublesome.

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Chapter 8

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42) Stop him in the middle of his evil planning.

Voldemort was planning. (Duh.) Of course, the Mary Sue could not let such a breach of propriety continue.

So she brained him with a chair. Voldemort, of course, dropped like a stone, without breaking through the floor. So Tensa-chan dropped a straw on him. Down he went.

A few days later, Lucius visited a gravely injured Dark Lord in the hospital.

"We must be rid of this Mary Sue," he said.

"I know that, fool," Voldemort grumbled. "We just need help. We'll get a Gary Stu!"

"No! Those are even more dangerous!"

"But we do have a Mary Sue problem," Voldemort pointed out.

"And a Gary Stu problem will be worse!"

"Well, hopefully they'll get rid of each other or we'll be able to get rid of the survivor."

Little did Voldemort know…

"I know you're planning something evil!" Tensa-chan shrieked, jumping in from the window like a demented Batman.

"We're not!" a freaked-out (wouldn't you be, if someone appeared through your window in the middle of secret planning?) Lucius and an even more freaked-out Voldemort shrieked.

"Oh." Tensa-chan left, only to reappear with a pair of Extendable Ears and a glass of water. "Now I'll know if you're plotting anything!" she squealed, then set herself up elsewhere.

Voldemort and Lucius looked at each other in consternation. Using sign language, they agreed to the Gary Stu plan before moving on to other matters so the Mary Sue wouldn't suspect them.

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43) Stop him in the middle of his evil planning, get down on one knee, and ask him to marry you.

A few days later, Voldemort and Lucius were finalizing their anti-Mary Sue plans when said Mary Sue ran into the window, breaking it and falling through the drawn curtains.

"Ow!" she shrieked. "What idiot closes the window when it's raining outside?!"

Silence.

"Oh." There was a soft cough, and then the Mary Sue got down on bended knee.

Lucius and Voldemort looked at each other, confused. Was this to be a miracle?

"Will you marry me?" the Mary Sue asked. A miracle was too much to hope for.

"NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" shrieked Voldemort, who fell back, twitching and foaming at the mouth at the mere thought of spending time with the Mary Sue.

"Are you sure?" the Mary Sue pouted. "I'm an interesting bed partner, you know."

"I want to stay a man!"

"Fine then." The Mary Sue turned around and jumped out the window, sulking. Halfway through the jump, she paused and turned back. "The offer stands, though."



44) Cry loudly and hit him with a bat.

A week later, Voldemort still hadn't accepted the proposal, although he was out of the hospital. After his six hundred sixty sixth time saying 'no', Tensa-chan gave up and looked at the next item on her list.

And burst into tears.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" she wailed. "Voldemort won't marry me!" Some random passerby Death Eaters wondered who would be maniac enough to even propose to Voldemort. Then they remembered the Mary Sue and shuddered, glad they weren't Voldemort and feeling sorry for the poor man.

"Wait!" Voldemort cried out, frantic. This was going to be a fiasco, if her former tantrum was an indicator. "I'll marry you!"

"VOLDEMORT'S TEASING ME BY SAYING HE WANTS TO MARRY ME!" Tensa-chan wailed. "EVIL! YOU BIG EVIL MEANIE!" She pulled out a reinforced titanium baseball bat and swung.

CRUNCH!

Voldemort flew out the window of his tenth-floor room (103 ft.), his nose now even flatter than before. Of course, you couldn't really tell that with all the blood everywhere.

Voldemort landed in the hospital again. Whoopee for him. He shuddered at the thought of bad hospital food, random poisonings, the Mary Sue's torture, and THE BILL.



45) Give him Harry Potter shaped cookies.

"I'm sorry you were hurt," the Mary Sue said a few hours later, all sweet again. "To show my condolences, I baked you a few cookies." She handed him a large bag of cookies.

Voldemort took a look at one of the cookies and screamed like a little girl.

The cookies were in the shape of his archnemesis, Harry Potter. Dun dun dun.

Voldemort nearly got another heart attack, but finally bit off one cookie's head. Looking at the headless body make him chuckle.

Soon, Tensa-chan flipped a lever and the hospital room was flooded in Harry Potter cookies as the Dark Lord bit off random body parts of each and forced others to suffer in various grotesque ways.

Several visitors were frightened away at the sight of a Dark Lord mutilating innocent cookies and laughing like a little child.

But hey, it's a Dark hospital, so some people even tried to join in, although they met with unpleasant ends.

Tensa-chan went to get a psychologist, who labeled Voldemort as an insane, egotistical, schizophrenic bigot who wanted to take over the world.

They finally had to call in an anesthesiologist to sedate Voldemort.

Little did Voldemort realize that he would be footing the bill for the anesthesia, the cookies, the psychologist, the funerals (for the people who had tried to join in), the hospital fees for the ones who were now so frightened they were in the insane asylum, the cleaning of the cookies from the hospital room, and the disposal of said cookies in addition to the regular hospital bill.



46) Put makeup on him when he is sleeping.

Voldie was now sedated and sleeping in bed. Tensa-chan snuck in and took out a make up kit…

(Time skip; 'Tis magic!)

The Mary Sue looked at her handiwork in satisfaction. Yep, it looked realistic.

The next morning, the nurse relocated a pretty, blonde young woman to a different room and began making out another set of bills.

Voldemort woke up to find himself in a different room. He screamed, mostly because some doctor was trying to butt-hump him.

The doctor ended up as ashes.

And Voldemort had to pay for his funeral as well.

And two sets of huge bills.

Voldemort screamed.



Okay! One more chapter to go! I'm sorry this is so short, but I'm pretty sure you've heard about my new time constraints.

Or whatever. Just review.


	9. Chapter 9

2stupid: Welcome to the last installment of this fanfic!

Tensa-chan: There will be no sequel, as you will garner from reading this chapter.

2stupid: A memorial for Voldemort will be/is/was held on Sunday, 18 March 2007.

Tensa-chan: No, there will not be an epilogue. At least not a regular epilogue.



Chapter 9

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47) Make him look like a clown.

Voldemort woke up again. Damn the anesthesiologist! If he hadn't been sedated, he would have had more fun killing Potter-cookies!

"I have given you a permanent makeover while you were sleeping," the Mary Sue intoned dramatically. "You now appear to be the epitome of evil."

"What?!" Hadn't he looked like the epitome of evil before? Alright, other than the shortness, he had been.

"View yourself!" the Mary Sue commanded in a deep voice. Then, undergoing a profound psychological change, she squealed a "Like it?"

Voldemort looked into the mirror and screamed. He now had lime-green hair with _chirping birds nesting in it_, red triangles on his cheeks that made him look like he was crying, dark purple eyeliner that made it appear that he had been punched around the eyes a few too many times, and black lipstick. In a great, big, cheery smile.

"I've signed you up for a Muggle birthday party in thirty minutes!" Tensa-chan said cheerfully. "You'll be a blast!"

Voldemort mourned the loss of his reputation – oh, wait. It's already gone – as the Mary Sue cast an 'Imperio!' on him and sent him towards the door.

Luckily (or unluckily), no one was there to see the Dark Lord-as-clown act like an uber idiot. But hey, it's all on video.



48) When he walks away from you, scream, "But I want my Voldie-poo!"

Voldemort finally broke free of the curse just as his clown self was entering the house/mansion that wasn't really his.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" wizards (and Muggles) everywhere could hear him wail. Most turned back to whatever they were doing and shrugged… until they connected that with a new video that was a hit in Muggle and Wizarding stores alike; Voldemort the Bimbo Clown.

Yep.

In his mansion, Voldemort was running away from the Mary Sue as fast as he could.

Tensa-chan, trying to catch him, was screaming bloody murder. Or at least, "But I want my Voldie-poo!"

"NOOOO!!!"

"BUT SEVVIE-POO IS BORING!" she wailed. (Sevvie-poo is the brainchild of Yarochisai. Not me.)

"I AM NOT VOLDIE-POO!!!"

"YOU ARE MY VOLDIE-POO!!!"

Running, running, running. Just keep running, running, running.

Yep. And that's what Voldemort did.

In the United States (Montana), he wore out his shoes and socks on a back road. In China, he lost his robe to an old lady coming out of her bath. In Turkey, he lost his shirt to an entrepreneur laundry lady. In Africa, he lost his pants to an alligator who wanted dinner. In South America, he lost his underwear to a tribe of nudist Indians.

So, when he finally made it back (he lost Tensa-chan in the middle of London's slums), he was butt-naked and very, very tired.



49) Throw food at him.

But he couldn't rest yet: Tensa-chan had caught up to him!

"You left me behind at London's slums!" she screamed. "Evil, evil, idiot!"

"Duck, duck, goose!" Voldemort screamed back, too tired to think straight. But he did manage to dodge when Tensa-chan threw a piece of wormy cheese at him. Sadly, he landed in a random duck pond from nowhere.

"Bad Voldie-poo!" she cried.

"Don't call me that!"

"Tommy-boy!"

"Not that, either!"

"Lame-ass!"

"NO!"

"Boluderomuretu!"

"'ell n-… Wait, what?"

"Boluderomuretu!"

"What (bleep)ing kind of accent is that?!"

"It's Japanese!"

"Just call me 'Your Lord and Master, the Dark Lord Voldemort'!"

"Hell no! Darth Voldemort!"

"I am NOT being named after a Muggle movie character!"

"But- …hey, how do you know about Star Wars?"

"Wait, I never said that!" Who knew Voldemort liked Star Wars? Say 'nay' if you had no idea!



50) Throw water on him and blame it on the fact that it worked on the witch in the Wizard of Oz.

Voldemort dried himself off with a big, fluffy towel in the small dank antechamber of his house, impatient to get to the warm fire in the bedroom next door. (his, btw)

Briefly, he shivered. That water in the duck pond had been _cold_. It was the middle of winter, for heaven's sake!

Suddenly, he was cascaded in more dirty pond water.

"AAUUGH!"

"Dammit, didn't work!" the Mary Sue cursed.

"What the (bleep) were you trying to do?!" Voldemort shrieked in rage. Well, at least the clown makeup was off, now. He was beginning to think that that eyeliner was really bruises. (no, it's just waterproof mascara)

"It worked on the Wicked Witch of the West!" Tensa-chan complained.

"Why are you trying to imitate the Wizard of O-!" Voldemort stopped, horrified. Who knew he liked The Wizard of Oz? Say 'nay' if you didn't!

"Do you have a fetish for Muggle movies?!" Tensa-chan demanded. "That's lame!"

"N-No!" Voldemort squeaked. As he was lying, his nose grew longer, like Pinocchio's!

No, not really. But he did blush.

"You look weird blushing like that without a nose," Tensa-chan observed. "So hmm… maybe medieval witch burning will work!" (Never mind that in one of the books, it is expressly stated that true witches were able to escape burning by casting a simple Freezing Charm.)

((Time Travel! 'Tis magic!))

So, when the Mary Sue had stopped, they were in the middle of the Florence of 1492. Girolamo Savonarola was preaching the disasters of witchcraft and organizing a witch hunt when the two appeared in the middle of court.

Tensa-chan vanished under an Invisibility Cloak with Voldemort's wand as an angry crowd converged upon the 'Witch'.

A few weeks later, she was taping Voldemort's death by burning at the stake. Without his wand, Voldemort couldn't cast the Freezing Charm. So Tensa-chan added barbecue sauce to make the smell sweeter.

And sadly, he had already used up all his Horcruxes to resurrect himself (see earlier chapters), so he was gone for good now. His fire was doused in milk (which is supposed to ward off magic) and Tensa-chan closed her magical camcorder.

Spectators watching the death of the Dark Lord were in awe as an angelic presence seemed to appear from the heavens and bless the city.

A week later, she returned to the postmodern world with evidence of Voldie-poo's death.



Done! Epilogue next! Review!


	10. Epilogue

2stupid: Yes, this is the epilogue.

Tensa-chan: Now we will begin.



Epilogue



Harry Potter looked at the Mary Sue.

"Thank you for killing Voldemort," he said. "Now we may all sleep safer."

"No need," Tensa-chan drawled. "It was merely a pleasant diversion." She turned around and left. The Wizarding World shuddered at the thought of the true power of Mary Sues.

Tensa-chan turned to the funeral's TV (don't ask) and popped in a tape.

"Let's all share some Voldemort Moments," she said, making a falsely pious face and pressing the 'Play' button.

There were scenes with Voldemort screaming from salty bandages (Chapter 1), him doing the Can-Can and the Macarena (Chapter 2), him as Harry Potter (Chapter 3), him being molested by an 'old Muggle lady' (Chapter 4), him being compared to Michael Jackson (Chapter 5), him being hugged by Tensa-chan and screaming (Chapter 6), him being cussed out by Tayuya from Naruto ™ (Chapter 7), him being attacked with a baseball bat-wielding Mary Sue (Chapter 8), and finally, him being turned into a clown (Chapter 9).

"Ah," Tensa-chan said. "Good times, good times." The rest of the attendees (including most of an elated Wizarding World) agreed.



Thank you for reviewing, all of those who reviewed. You know who you are. hands out spare Harry Potter cookies

We have not, do not, and probably will never own Harry Potter or this fic, although miracles do happen.

Give a big hand for Rica666, who wrote the original fic. Yay! Without her ideas, this fanfic would never have taken place.

Please review at the end of this chapter so I know who read this story.

Thank you for reading this fic. Enjoy your life, now that Voldie's gone.



Veritas, Voldemort. Dulce et decorum est, pro fanfiction mori.

Amen.

(Voldemort's ghost screams in background furiously as author walks away.)

Fin.


End file.
